Part of me thinks that if i had to do it all over again i would go to school for nutrition or something biology related and definitely not at Messiah College. Wouldn't my 9th grade bio teacher be honored by this decision. Mr. Kistler! I loved that guy. He made learning fun even though it was pretty challenging. I wonder what that crazy man is up to, torturing freshman high school students. I hope they know how to handle the man. Apparently kids were going home crying as a result of his sarcastic sense of humor. Talk about touchy. MMmhmm. Anyhow enough Polar Bear business, I then think to myself was this journey God's plan, going to Messiah for Human Development and Family Science? I believe he doesn't always allow us to choose certain parts of our life course because we'd screw up majorly, moreso than when he intervenes. Because I'll tell you what, i did not initially choose much of these events that are occurring. At least i don't feel like i did. I complied yes. I complied with this thing, I'm not sure who or what, this is thing or entity that told me what i needed to do in order to move on to the next phase of life. We all want to believe that there is a purpose for everything, even the very terrible things that happen to us. The terrible things are good too. At least i recognize my terrible things to have made me stronger, more compassionate, more generous with grace, and hopefully a better person. Kev always told me my trigonometry homework was building character. It just took forever to do! He'd say, "Cand, you can do it, you'll be a stronger person in the end!" and then he'd smirk at me as if he knew that wasn't terribly comforting. But it is so true! At least at the time is was true for me. Trig homework molded my character. HA. It taught me discipline for life. But you have to keep it up. The time is now. Not 5 years ago. And not 5 years from now. 2 years ago i was at Life Center Church in Harrisburg. I was getting ready to go to Portugal and i needed to cleanse my spirit before i went. When i went, one of the prophetic words was "GO FORWARD." I love prophetic words. Why don't people believe in them? God could be telling you something that he can't get you to listen to so he tells someone else to tell you, what's so crazy about that? ha. Any way. That "word" from God is still in my heart at this moment. I don't know where I've been and I dont know where I'm going, but I'm going "forward."

CHAchachachaCHANGES

It's just that i feel myself changing. i feel myself being disturbed by things i was once indifferent about...

FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

You know what. I'm royally pissed off. I'm just simply annoyed. The past two days I have been walking around with a grimanced and pained contortion of my facial muscles. It just shocks me that EVERY ONE gets offended so easily. Humility people! LOVE. tenderness. Trust. For those of us who are friends. Don't we know that we would never want to hurt each other? Now I'm not pissed off because of the sensitive offensiveness. Not at all, I am terribly sorry for those times that i so happen to say the wrong thing in the right company. And I did apologize sincerely. At least I thought I was sincere. What I am pissed off about is the principle of things. And I am not entirely sure how these two relate, they may not at all! It just may be the swirlings in my head that just so happened at the forefront of my mind lately. We shall see. Injustice, however, is the 2nd, or is it Disgust at our world. I was recently in New York City, the capitol of fashion. I think i just threw up in my mouth. How can it not achen your heart and weaken your stomach to see so many lonely, sad, and corrupt people so heavily concentrated in one place? Now there were a few friendly faces, but they didn't want to be recognized as such for fear of being preyed upon by the vultures around them. I never again want to think to myself, "Oh, I better put my inconspicuous face on" and really mean to look like an angry closed minded almost dead individual. Shoot. Well, I'm headed for a run... more reflection is necessary to make sense of all these thoughts.